Getting back to the heart of the matter

Yesterday as I was finishing up my 2 mile walk, I realized that somewhere along the way I had forgotten what truly mattered the most. In the chaos that is school, in the confusion that is my life, and in the everyday routine of my life, I had pushed aside me. How did I get shuffled to the back of the pack?

Yesterday was a wake-up call for me. I have had those before and I always heeded them; however, this time I realized that I can’t put myself last. If I do, I’m not going to be able to take care of the other things that my matter: my children.

I have so many goals that I want to achieve. My #1 goal is to finally be healthy. Of course, this seems like a mute point when you consider the fact that my body is turning on itself. But I plan to persevere. I. Will. Not. Give. Up!

With that said, I suppose I will start blogging more, as I need to make myself more accountable.

My plan of action consists of:

• Exercising more often
• Eating better
• Taking time out for meditation and prayer
• Stop worrying about things that are out of my control (“Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world.”)

Today starts my new life. Not when I graduate. Not next week. Not June 8th.

Today!

At this moment…

I used to think that I had it all worked out. I used to think that everything in my life was going according to plan. I used to think…

At this moment, nothing is working out as I had planned.

In fact, this entire year has not gone according to my plans and I do hope that this is God’s plan.

Four weeks ago, the pain became excruciating, again. Three weeks ago, I called the doctor. Two weeks ago, I went for blood work. Last week, my results came back, but they didn’t tell me anything.

Tomorrow, I have a doctor’s appointment. I assume it is to give me the bad news in person. Whatever it is, I’m planning on facing it bravely.

This weekend, I also found out that I’ve been reassigned in my student teaching assignment. It is a good thing, but it was also unexpected. Instead of teaching 11^th and 12^th graders, I’ll be teaching 9^th graders… I think.

Right now, they don’t have a place for me.

It is like the first of the semester all over again.

Of course, this is not the most devastating thing that has happened. I mean… being informed that someone saw Tony with a woman. That was disturbing. Especially since I caught so much flack from my church about something that Tony lied and said that I did. (Remember me sitting there, smiling, as they accused me?)

I have since had several more people also tell me similar things. I really wish that they wouldn’t. I mean…. I don’t care. This is my second time in this rodeo. I know for a fact that hearing these things is just a painful reminder.

And then there is the fact that my brain is just not working like it should. I’m making stupid mistakes. Mistakes that I should not be making! I’m starting to think that much of this is related.

A Translucent Life

Our lives are a paradox. We are taught dualistic views of how we should live out our lives. In one sense, our lives should be open and clear with nothing hidden from view. But in a strict contrast, we are told not to reveal too much, as there are some things that are better left hidden.

My life?

Revelations Made in Quiet Introspection

I’m not usually a big believer in horoscopes for many reasons. But today, my horoscope seemed to reflect how I’ve been feeling for awhile now: lost, confused, and uncertain.

Gemini Horoscope for December 15, 2010:  “You’re no wilting flower, but sometimes you feel that way on the inside. Why not take a look at the disparity between the ‘you’ you present to the world and the ‘you’ you know from the inside. Maybe it’s just a little tiny disparity. Maybe it’s a big one. Either way, it’s interesting to investigate. Both ‘yous’ — public and private — are part of you, and exploring those ‘yous’ is one of your major projects in life. “

This isn’t too unusual for me. I spend too much time thinking. I spend too much time worrying. I spend too much time trying to please everyone. I spend…

Life Lessons

Sometimes the lessons God gives us requires us to walk alone into the unknown.

God does not say, “This is going to be easy.”  He only tells us that we have to trust Him and step out into the vast unknown, trusting that He will be there for us when we need him.  Sometimes it seems as though there is no foothold for us to hold onto, but it is only when we get closer that it is revealed.

The picture to the right is my son.  Last Friday I made good on a promise that we would go to the top of a mountain.  I decided on Caesar’s Head, but on the way up I stopped at Bald Rock.  Bald Rock is rather unique because you can walk out onto the side of this mountain and have a beautiful view.

Of course, as you walk out, the ground slopes away from you and all you can see is the horizon.  It looks as though you are going to somehow fall off the mountain.

Houses of Glass

There is something to be said about people living in glass houses and throwing stones, but what about those who have built up around them glass walls?

Recently a friend had an issue whereby she felt as though her world had shattered.  I tried to offer encouragement and hope, but more importantly, I wanted to give her a firmer foundation with which she could build her walls.  As we know, glass shatters, but stone does not.

I’m not saying that we should build walls around ourselves to keep others out.  No.  We can’t do that, but what we can do is to build up the supports in our life so that we are not faced with shattered walls or shattered lives.  James said it best when he stated: 

            “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

            “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12

We are going to come by trials and tribulations in our lives, but God can provide us with what we need to overcome it, and by giving us these things, we learn to persevere.

However, this is not about her and her problem.  It is about