I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Searching For

Yesterday I woke up with my heart feeling so conflicted. I had the conversation that occurred between Kyle and me still weighing heavily on my mind. The problem with the conversation was not that he wanted Tony back, but that he was trying to play matchmaker between his “real” dad and I. My first thought was, “Tony would be disappointed,” but I realized that it wasn’t about Tony. No, it was about finding a father that he thought was so cool and whose parents (his grandparents) adored him. It was about a feeling of family and everything that family is supposed to be: unconditional love and acceptance sprinkled with laughter.

My children made a comment to me not so long ago that caught me off guard. They wanted to know why I wasn’t always like this. The “this” being playful, laughing, and enjoying myself. I wasn’t sure how to respond to this question. I just know that I have not felt like being playful. There have always been so many other things to do.

I don’t know how to respond to Kyle’s Matchmaking. I don’t want to hurt his feelings even though I love his dad dearly. I do. If I had to be honest with myself, I would say that I still love him. That wouldn’t be me lying. Do I think that it would work out? No. And in that lies the truth of the matter: I fall for unavailable men.

I guess that by knowing this in advance, I have an advantage for when the divorce is finalized. I know that the men I fall for are those that are completely unavailable. Not unavailable, as in “committed to another relationship.” No, I mean that they are unavailable for a committed relationship, because they flee from them. The first sign of wanting more and they are gone.

But I have other issues to work through as well. I have come to realize that I am insecure. Five years without feeling the touch of a man or being told I’m beautiful has left me scarred. I feel unattractive and unworthy of being loved. This is bigger than my image issues. This is more than just Fat Girl bringing me down. This exceeds all issues.

How do you move past this obstacle? How do you overcome?

It is a learning moment for me. I’m trying to learn to love myself. I’m learning to look at pictures of myself and instead of seeing the flaws I try to see the good things:

• I look happy, because I feel happy.
• I look young.
• My hair looks good here.
• I never realized my eyes were that shade of blue. It looks good.
• That color top really looks good on me.

Having conversations like these over my pictures has helped, but the least little rejection I receive from others has a way of bringing me down. I want to move forward, but I’m scared of the rejection. So much that a recent encounter with a guy that I adore has had me in such a tailspin of emotions- most of those feeling rejected, though he hasn’t- that I can barely function. Why do I put myself through such misery? It is perplexing.

If I can overcome stage fright, then surely, I can overcome this! But it means putting me in a position where I’m uncomfortable. It means being honest with myself and others. It means being “okay” if I’m rejected, or if he doesn’t call. It means making me…v u l n e r a b l e. No one wants to put themselves in that position, but I may have to do that just to move past these feelings that I have.

Fighting my vulnerability. Fighting my insecurity.

I keep wondering, “When this is over, will I be a completely whole person, or will I be fragments of a person?”

Something to ponder… as I search.

What’s in a Number?

I was very discouraged when I stepped on the scales the past few days. [And, yes. Yes, I am one of those freaky people who likes to weigh themselves every single day.]

I think the reason was that the numbers were not to my liking.

But then…

Then I got dressed today

Seems So Surreal

I woke up this morning and rolled over to hit the snooze bar on the alarm clock, and at the same time, I caught a glimpse of my arm in the early twilight. My first thought was, “Who’s arm?” It didn’t quite look like my arm. It was slender and graceful, not my chubby arm.

I lay there for a moment trying to take in this unusual visual perception of my own body part and was reminded of something that happened to me on Wednesday.

The Good, the Fat, and the Ugly

            A huge fight broke out last night down here at the Redneck Reservoir Ranch.  It wouldn’t have been so bad, but Fat Girl really came to rumble.  You see, she didn’t like what she saw: the ugly truth staring her in the face saying, “You are about to be history!”

            Inner Skinny Chick came riding up like Clint Eastwood in a ‘70s western.  She told FG that this town wasn’t big enough for the both of them.  She told FG it was time for her to be moseying on down the road.  To find her another town and another body to occupy, because she was proclaiming this territory to be her’s.

            Yep.  It was a nasty fight.

            Guess who won?

Today is the Day

Today is the day…

I keep saying it, but do I really mean it?

Today is the day that I’m going to do this differently.  Today is the day that I will complete this task.  Today is the day…

It goes on and on, but at some point in time I must realize that today is the day.  So today is the day for

The World is a Stage and I’m Waiting in the Wings with Fat Girl

Wait.  Why am I waiting in the wings with Fat Girl?  Inner Skinny Chick is already standing on the stage waiting for me.  I need to get out there and perform, but…

Yes, I hear you and I agree

I have been way to serious and heavy with some of my topics lately.  I need to get back to the light-hearted and fun pieces that everyone loved so much.  And in fact, I did hear from FG and ISC who said they are ready for a comeback, but is the world ready for them to make a weekly comeback?

However, the real question is am I ready to make the commitment to write weekly?

We will have to see.

Stay tuned to find out what the first addition to the FG/ISC saga will be!  So get ready!  Humor is making a comeback!

What’s Wrong Fat Girl?

Something is up.  I’m not sure what.

 

ISC:  Hey.  What’s wrong Fat Girl?

FG:  Inner Skinny Chick, we need to talk.

ISC:  Oh?  That doesn’t sound good.

FG:  It’s not.

ISC:  Well, what do you want to talk about?

Discoveries and a Little FG and ISC Thrown In

I’ve missed Fat Girl and Inner Skinny Chick, haven’t you?  I say, let’s bring them back into the mix today.

A lot has happened over the last few months.  For one, Fat Girl has begun to reclaim her territory while Inner Skinny Chick has been more than content to let her do so.  It seems that it is difficult for ISC to help me maintain my weight loss goals and stay sane at school while battling our nemesis FG.  I think, just perhaps, ISC needs a little help!  She needs a drill sergeant to keep her focused!

Maybe I can find one…

This morning I decided

I Declare

Must I declare a disclaimer over everything that I post in my life?

According to some, I should.

This was brought to my attention after I shared a conversation with a fellow classmate who follows me on Facebook.  His advice to me:  You should really be careful about what you post on your Facebook status.

Excuse me?  Why should he care?  More importantly, why would he take me that seriously?