Getting back to the heart of the matter

Yesterday as I was finishing up my 2 mile walk, I realized that somewhere along the way I had forgotten what truly mattered the most. In the chaos that is school, in the confusion that is my life, and in the everyday routine of my life, I had pushed aside me. How did I get shuffled to the back of the pack?

Yesterday was a wake-up call for me. I have had those before and I always heeded them; however, this time I realized that I can’t put myself last. If I do, I’m not going to be able to take care of the other things that my matter: my children.

I have so many goals that I want to achieve. My #1 goal is to finally be healthy. Of course, this seems like a mute point when you consider the fact that my body is turning on itself. But I plan to persevere. I. Will. Not. Give. Up!

With that said, I suppose I will start blogging more, as I need to make myself more accountable.

My plan of action consists of:

• Exercising more often
• Eating better
• Taking time out for meditation and prayer
• Stop worrying about things that are out of my control (“Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world.”)

Today starts my new life. Not when I graduate. Not next week. Not June 8th.

Today!

The Song Within

I am trying hard to find the song that is hiding somewhere deep within my heart. I know it is there somewhere, but it seems so elusive right now.

You do know what I am talking about, right?

The song in your heart is the emanating joy that resounds from within you. It is the praise that rises up out of you and sings with all creation.

Maybe it is just the fact that I love music and love to sing.

I have walked around today and have burst into song randomly throughout the day. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

More importantly, these random outbursts of song are an even deeper reflection of

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Today I learned about filing a missing person’s report. It was not a lesson that I wanted to learn. When I gave birth to my children, I never stopped to think that one day in the future I would have to experience going to the Law Enforcement Office and filing a missing person’s report. I also never thought that I would have to consider the fact that my child could be gone forever.

The Little Things… and the Big Things, Too

Yesterday, I went to my nephew’s “soon-to-be” wife’s baby shower. She is a sweet girl, who fits so well with everyone in the family. They are having a precious baby girl [who will be rather spoiled, I might add]. Everyone is so excited.

It seems rather odd to be saying that I will soon be a great-aunt, but in some ways, it feels good, too. When she opened my gift yesterday, she looked at the name tag and said, “YOU are Aunt Marcy!”

I replied, “Yes.”

She said, “All I hear about is Aunt Marcy. Aunt Marcy. And I thought, ‘Who is this Aunt Marcy?’ I thought your name was Martha?”

Yes. Everyone has called me Marcy in my family and I’m okay with it. Because… Life goes on and with it, things change. Even I have changed in my life.

I look back on

Life at this Point

            I have sat down on numerous occasions and tried to formulate a post that expresses what has been happening this semester, but to be honest, I don’t know if there are words to express what is happening.

            I started out my semester by being asked by a friend to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I didn’t mind it, because she and her fiancée (now her husband) are friends of mine. The problem came when I had to make sure that I didn’t gain or lose too much weight between the time I purchased the dress and the wedding. I only had two weeks, but can you believe that I lost too much, gained, and then I still ended up having to take the dress in 2 inches the day before the wedding, and it was still loose fitting the day of the wedding.

            I realize that there are some people who would love to have this problem, and before I go on and you think that I don’t, let me state that I love having this problem, too!

            Of course, now that the wedding is over, it is all clear for go at losing weight. Last night as I was on the treadmill (I went for an hour and walked/jogged an equivalent of 3 miles!), I started to think about how sporadic my exercising becomes when school starts back. I want to lose weight and as of my weigh-in this morning, I have officially lost 50 pounds! That’s why, in order to reach my goal, I’m going to have to make some tough choices. I have to decide if school or exercising is more important.

            Certainly, school is a priority in my life. I want to have a career. But I also know that if I don’t take better care of my health, I may not live to see that career. I plan on sticking it out.

            After consideration, I figured it out that I have about 135 pounds to go to meet my goal. My mini-goal is to weigh 250 by the end of October. Seems ironic that that was my goal last year at this time, too!

            How we come full circle! I had lost down to 262 last year, then gained back up to 280, only to be at the point today saying, “I can’t yo-yo anymore!”

            In the last year and a half, I have made many discoveries. The most recent is that I have come to terms with self-image issues that went beyond my weight. It is difficult to erase negativity about your own beauty when ugly has been beat into your head. It may not seem like much more than silliness of adolescents and teens when they make disparaging remarks, but sometimes, those remarks leave scars that people carry for the rest of their lives. It is the reason why we should truly guard our tongues.

            I have wondered if the people who said such hateful things about me, when they thought I was out of earshot, really feel bad that they had said those things. Do they regret it? I may never know the answer to that, and I don’t know if I want to know. Those things are between them and God. The only things that I can have a say over is how I teach my children not to do that to others. I can instruct them and I can guard my own tongue.

            But I must digress. I don’t want to focus on this.

            Instead, I want to focus on the fact that I was asked to join the English Honor’s Society at school. I wonder if this now means that I am a super-nerd. So far this semester my grades have been awesome. I knew that they would be.

            I have been challenged in my thoughts this semester. Ethics class and Basic Christian Beliefs class have had me questioning things that I thought I knew. Now, I’m not so certain. Of course, I know that in the end, I will have a better foundation.

            Well, that’s all for right now. I’ll catch up more when I can. Right now, I have to work on too many papers.

One Big Wrap-Up

I know that I said I wasn’t going to post everything in one post, but to be honest, I have not found the time to sit down and write. Trying to squeeze this in while trying to finish so many things and prepare for this weekend is pushing my limits. So the only thing that I know to do- before I forget what it is that I wanted to say- is to post everything  in one post.

The Truth Does Not Always Set You Free

Sometimes telling the truth is worse than telling a lie. Sometimes it is easier to let the truth stay within you, rotting like the dead flesh of a corpse buried. Yes. Sometimes it is easier not to tell the truth.

I knew the moment the words flew out of my mouth I would regret it. But that truth had been tucked down so long that I thought I would feel a huge burden lifted off of me.

As a reward for my honesty, I received the following:

Dream Big… and Always Bring Friends along for the Ride

When my Mom was diagnosed with cancer and given her “death sentence” by the doctor, I had a burning question that I wanted to ask her. I wanted to ask, “What have you not done that you want to do?”

Little did I know that this question would spill over into my own life as I had been living my life complacently. I had coasted by with no goals, no dreams, and no aspirations. I was one big blah in the middle of society.

When she passed away, I decided to go back to school. Check one for me living my life again.

Yet, I was not feeling as challenged. Sure I was I actually starting to live my dream, but I could feel myself slipping back into that complacent mode. So I challenged myself and resolved this year that I would do something completely out of the norm for me. I wanted to push the boundaries of my comfort zone and climb out of my shell.

So I auditioned for Liberty Idol.

May 1^st came and I was nervous, hoarse from singing so much, and torn.

Hanging out with my best friend, Ann, before my Liberty Idol performance.

Overall, the experience was one that I would never forget. I did not make it through to the next round, but I was proud of myself for doing it! I tried. I went up on the stage and sang. I shared my testimony with so many who said that my story made them rethink their dreams. After all, are we not supposed to inspire others?

So, who inspires me? My children, my CH, and my friends!

Sometimes Honesty Hurts

Sometimes, when you are trying to be honest, it hurts.  Just the admission of the underlying truth is painful, but you have to put it out there.

I’ve avoided having certain conversations with my Dad because of honesty.  Why would I want to hurt him by telling him how I feel?  And if I told him, would he be disappointed?

So imagine my surprise when my Dad looked at me and said, “Don’t you let him talk you into quitting?  He’s an insecure little man and I’m worried that he’s going to force you into quitting because he’s so insecure.”

I almost fell off the couch.

Houses of Glass

There is something to be said about people living in glass houses and throwing stones, but what about those who have built up around them glass walls?

Recently a friend had an issue whereby she felt as though her world had shattered.  I tried to offer encouragement and hope, but more importantly, I wanted to give her a firmer foundation with which she could build her walls.  As we know, glass shatters, but stone does not.

I’m not saying that we should build walls around ourselves to keep others out.  No.  We can’t do that, but what we can do is to build up the supports in our life so that we are not faced with shattered walls or shattered lives.  James said it best when he stated: 

            “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

            “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12

We are going to come by trials and tribulations in our lives, but God can provide us with what we need to overcome it, and by giving us these things, we learn to persevere.

However, this is not about her and her problem.  It is about