Resolving a New Year 2012 Edition

You knew it was coming… making resolutions for a new year. Well, without exception – and without stopping my own tradition of posting mine—I have decided to jot down my resolutions and post them for all the world to see.

First, let me say a few things about the year 2011…

2011 was a struggle. I was challenged to push through with my goals despite every obstacle coming into my path. However, I did manage to finish out the year on a positive upswing; one that I hope will continue through 2012!

Before I give you the list of my New Year’s Resolutions for 2012, let’s take a look back at 2011 and see if any progress was made.

1. Get a divorce. (Yes, this was finalized in June and from what I hear, he is planning his upcoming nuptials.)
2. Graduate from College. (Yes! I did it! And of course, I even found a job right out of college.)
3. Run a 10K. (Did we really think that I was going to find the time to do this?)
4. Try out for Liberty Idol again and make it at least 2 rounds instead of one! (I auditioned again. I made it again. I was out in the first round… again.   )
5. Reach my goal weight. (Uh, yeah, I still need to work on this)

So, I guess that I accomplished most of the things on my list. I thought that it was an overall success.

Now, in 2012, I resolve to do the following:

1. Be a successful teacher
2. Get healthy
3. Be happy

Just like that. No long list of things that may seem complicated, but instead, I want to focus on what is the most important at this moment: being good at what I do, being healthy so that I can do my best, and being happy for a change.

Here is hoping that in 2012 everyone accomplishes their goals, follows their dreams, and reaches for the stars!

Lessons learned in a year

What did I learn this year?

1. I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was.
2. I learned that forever does not always mean a lifetime, but rather it ends at the point when someone grows weary of the other.
3. I learned that trust is something that very few (take this as zero) deserve of you.
4. I learned that I have a remarkable younger son. It is he that has taught me what it means to extend God’s love, grace, and mercy.
5. I learned that I can endure anything for a short period of time, even if that short period of time turns out to be a year.
6. I learned that it is indeed a sweeter reward when you work harder for it.
7. I learned that you can find kindness in the form of strangers.
8. I learned that you can mend a broken fence, but that doesn’t mean that you have to leave an entrance.
9. I learned that the truth is not always a clear cut path, but that gossip is believed much easier because it is easier to reach.
10. I learned that despite what some may think, I will never be in this predicament again (whether it is money, living, or love).
11. I learned that my children are far more forgiving of me than I am of myself.
12. I learned that some lessons that are learned the hard way, are really the ones that teach us the most if we are willing to accept them.

Did You Think…

Did you think that you were the first to break my heart?

There were others before you… but the one thing I do know is that you will be the last. Because of you, I will never let my guard down. I will never trust anyone to get close enough to ever hurt me again.

You were simply the last.

The last stone of the wall built around my heart as a reminder that there really is no one who will not let you down.

An Emotional Dam that is about to Burst

What follows is a combination of all the things that have been bothering me these past few weeks. They are in no particular order.

I am a suppressor. I suppress my feelings and I don’t let them out. I think part of the reason is that I feel if I do share my problems then I’m somehow burdening others with the weight of what I’m already carrying around. However, these past few weeks I have been so emotional that I have felt as though all of these burdens were being held back by a dam that was at its capacity. There is a reason why at times they have to let the water spill over the dam. It is because it cannot hold that much all of the time. Right now, I cannot hold back what I want to say. If you do not want to read my emotional outpouring, then by all means, move on. You don’t have to read or carry my burden. As for me, I just need to release it and let it go.

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Friends…

We start out dating and things are going superbly, until suddenly it is as though someone turned off everything on your end and what I’m left with is confusion. I’m not sure how I was supposed to respond to this “break up.” However, when you asked me in the grocery store that day what was bothering me and why I stopped talking, it was because of how you treated me. You asked me to walk with you through the grocery store and after everything that was between us for the last 3 weeks, you acted as though I was nothing more than your friend. I was devastated! I fought back tears the entire time I was with you in that store when all I wanted to do was bolt for the door and go out to my car and cry.

I did cry on the ride home. I felt like you had lied to me the entire time that we were seeing one another. I mean you were making plans and talking as though we were going to still be together months down the road. How was I supposed to take that?

Maybe I did become too attached, but I know that life is short. I gave you all that I had. I dove in over my head when I knew that I shouldn’t, because I believed in the scenario that you created of “us.” I didn’t want to, but I did. But don’t expect me to jump into the friendship role. Your other girlfriends may have been willing to do that for you, but I can’t.  It hurt too much. Someone asked me if you knew how lucky you were to have me. I guess you either didn’t know… or you didn’t care.

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Family…

My dysfunctional family. Yes, you have a way of driving me insane. I’ve always been in the middle of everything, trying to play peacemaker. Of course, I gave that up.

I gave up a lot of things lately. I gave up calling you family.

Do you know how hurt I was when you didn’t even show up for my graduation? Do you know how used I have felt because after I helped with the baby shower, you don’t even associate with me? Do you know how hurt I have been? Do you even care?

The only person that I can depend on anymore is Kyle. It is one of the reasons why I am writing off all family. I’m cutting ties and I am seriously considering moving away and starting my life over. I think we need a fresh start.

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Starting over…

Seems like an impossible task. Of course, graduating from college seemed impossible, but I did it.

I did it! I graduated after 20 years. I didn’t give up! I held on!

Now I am trying to find a teaching job. But God hasn’t pointed me in the direction that I’m supposed to go. I am waiting on the doors to open so that I knew exactly where it is that I’m supposed to go teach.

Lord, where is it that I’m supposed to go?

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The Twilight Zone…

When I went down to Timmonsville, it seemed as though I crossed over into some strange alternate universe. Nothing was the same. My entire world seemed to have been shaken upside down and all around.

I realized something recently, though. God can’t put my new life into order until He shakes apart the old one. He’s building me a new future and to do that, He has to make room for the good. It is never easy and it is never comfortable, but I am trying to learn to accept it. I have to accept what is happening, pray for peace through it, and grasp the fact that what is on the other side of this growing process is something amazing: a blessing.

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Traditions…

We used to have traditions. We used to celebrate holidays.

We used to be a family.

We did not have Thanksgiving dinner. I cried because of it. Not because of food, but because having the foods that my mother cooked would always make us feel as though she were here with us. I miss my Mom! I needed to feel that closeness to her through cooking… through tradition. But I didn’t  have that.

Christmas is coming and I do not have MY tree up. The ornaments that I have made each year with my children are not here with me. There is no room for a tree here. But a tree without gifts is bare and I can’t afford presents. I can’t even afford to buy stocking-stuffers… but the stockings are not here either.

Kyle has always sacrificed so much. I hate that he will not have anything for Christmas. His wish list?

A bed to sleep in and a place of our own.

I just can’t afford that until I find a better paying job.

I need for things to come together soon

The Inside Out

Lately I have felt confused… unloved… worthless…

I’m not really sure what happened. As for the unloved… I thought I had found something that was beyond wonderful. What you learn in retrospect is that it is an ugly truth. It was a lie that never was.

Worthless because the world makes me feel that way.

Confused and lost devoid of direction.

I have cried so much these past few weeks, and I have felt so emotional, but I realize that there is no purpose for the tears.

I graduated Thursday, December 8^th, 2011. It should be an amazing moment in my life, right? But why do I feel this way? Why does it seem as though everything is falling apart? Why does it feel as though I have no destiny?

Lord, when are you going to illuminate my path?

(to be continued…..)

This Week…

Have you ever had one of those weeks where it feels as though your heart has just been ripped right out of your chest?

That’s how my week has gone. I went from flying high with a positive job interview to crying so much I think I may never be happy again. I’m not sure where it all went wrong. I think that when I went down to Timmonsville, SC, I must have crossed over into a twilight zone where nothing here is the same as it was when I went down.

How can life fall apart that quickly?

I love you… I loved you all along

I’m not sure what the future holds for me. I do know what the present contains. Perhaps it is that unknown that is slipping into conscious mind.

Friday started with mixed emotions and expanded into even more.
Friday morning, I woke up out of a sound sleep, sat straight up, hand over my mouth, and tears running down my face. You see, I have been fighting back the urge to say something and it has been eating away at me. I shoved it down and swallowed it. I’m scared that if the words ever find their way to daylight, it will be the end. It’s going too well, and I don’t want to mess it up by throwing in the “L” word.
In my dream, I hugged you tightly and the words just came out, “I love yo…” I woke up.
Who knew they wanted to come out that badly? But I refuse to be the first to say it. If I don’t say it, then it isn’t true? If it isn’t true, then I won’t have to worry about having my heartbroken, right?
Why do I have to be the type of person who gives her heart away so easy?
Then I received a phone call that feels as though it will change EVERYTHING! I have a job interview on Tuesday. It is in a town that is 3 ½ hours away.
God, I know I said that I would go wherever you sent me, but did you have to answer 2 of my prayers in the same amount of time? It wasn’t so long ago that I was praying because I was so very lonely and unloved. You answered my prayer, but then You want to take that away? Life just seems so unfair.

Life Happens… Unexpectedly

It was not so long ago that I was making plans to leave. I wanted to put as much distance between here (Easley) and me as I possibly could. I looked into jobs in other parts of the state and I even looked into jobs in other states… But things have a way of changing and we don’t always know the outcomes.

I shared with my dad the other day that it seemed as though the closer graduation became, the more I catch hints of job opportunities. I really do not want to get my hopes up– especially in this job market– but there seems to be a promise.

I entered into this grand adventure with only one promise: that if God was going to open the door, He had a plan. I still do not know where it is that God is going to take me. I may be presuming too much, because I grabbed an apartment application last night for an apartment in a nearby town.

Even more so… I’m scared.

I want to be on my own, live my own life, and at the same time, I want to know that I can honestly do so. For me, failure is not an option. It is not something that I allow myself to do. However, lately, I have been allowing the possibility for failure to creep into my life. Regardless, I have a lot to work on and work out. I just keep praying that these “unexpected” surprises work out for the good.

The Missing Piece of the Puzzle that is Me

Sometimes, when you least expect it, you find what it is that you have been looking for. You know that it is what you have been looking for, because suddenly you no longer feel like a puzzle that is missing one last piece. Instead, you are complete… whole… and it feels as though things have all worked out.

That is sort of what happened to me on Friday night.

I wasn’t expecting too much from my planned meeting. It was to simply be just two people getting together for drinks and conversation. What actually happened was similar to what you would expect to see in a movie or a romance novel. There was an immediate chemistry that I’ve never experienced before.

Who would have thought that a chance meeting would turn into something that feels so right?

Life: Uncensored

Sometimes, you have to find a moment to confront everything that is going on around you and deal with it, whether you like or not. I’m not happy about being in the midst of my student teaching and being distracted by all the things that are going on around me. It’s difficult and it is frustrating, and I want to sit down and cry.

But there is no time for tears.

Last week ended with a barrage of ill-timed catastrophes. I arrived home to find that my dad had thrown my oldest son out to sleep in the cold. I am devastated! I love my children and do not want any harm to come to them, but his actions made me hate him.

A dear friend buried his last surviving parent on Friday. I was so saddened by this, because I know how grieved he must’ve felt. And it doesn’t help that I love this friend dearly. More than he will ever know. I hate that every time our blossoming romance is put on hold by tragedy. It just doesn’t seem fair.

Then, the same day, my dad found out that his cancer has come back.

Life has a way of knocking you down and you have to crawl back up again. I’m trying so hard to crawl back up and stand firm, facing the obstacles as they approach, but it seems as though the more I try, the more I am knocked down.

My dad loves to watch the Hallmark channel and the Love stories. He was watching the mini-movie “Love’s Everlasting Courage,” the other night and I was struck by a statement the character made. He had asked his son what he saw when he looked out over his home and land, and when the answer was not what he was looking for (because the son was about to lose his land, etc.), the man tells his son (and I can’t remember word for word the line of dialogue), “God’s promise isn’t that bad things aren’t going to happen to us. His promise is that when they do, He’s gonna be right there standing beside us the whole time.”

It’s so easy to take your eyes off of God standing there beside us when we are going through trials. We become overwhelmed.

I feel overwhelmed right now, but I know that God is standing beside me waiting to lift me up if I need Him. And to be honest… right now, I need Him!