Last night I went and had dinner with my husband, just the two of us.  It should have been a really great time for us to reconnect, but it wasn’t long before he brought up CJ and I was almost in tears.  I begged him to change the subject which he did, but I know that at some point in time, we are going to have to discuss the truth about CJ.

            It’s not like the subject is unexpected.  After all, CJ is the dividing factor in my marriage and I know that if things are left alone, CJ will be reason behind a divorce.  So what do you do?

            We have discussed it.  We have fought about it.  We have yelled at each other about.  And I have cried over it for longer than I’ve been married to my now dear spouse.

            We have come to an impasse with CJ.  From the time he was 5, he has been to doctor after doctor and over the years, we have been given many possible diagnoses.  A list of them:

  • ADD
  • ADHD
  • PDD
    • Autism
    • Asperger’s
  • OCD
  • Emotionally Disabled
  • ODD
  • Bipolar/Manic Depressive
  • Depression
  • Combination of any of the above

Along with these diagnoses came lots of medication.  In fact, at one time he was on 12 different medications at once.  Those medications were so strong, that they actually shut down sensation of his bowels and bladder causing him to have accidents on himself.

It has been very difficult dealing with CJ and it has only increased as he’s become older.  He will be 17 in July which means we’ve been searching for a diagnosis for 12 years now.  Counselors have no clue how to handle him, because usually when you have children who have this many things possibly wrong, you’d expect some mental retardation, but he’s exceptionally bright. 

The last doctor we saw believes it to be Asperger’s.  We are waiting on an appointment to take him to a specialized clinic where they will keep him and observe him for several weeks in order to make an accurate diagnosis.  In the meantime, we are looking at a moody child who becomes violent at times and who has begun to have extremely bizarre hallucinations.  Each outburst or violent act chips away at the rest of us who must endure and pray for a solution.

After last November, I have to wonder when the next 2X4 will be swung at my head and actually hit the target instead of the Lord granting me the strength to grab the board and hang on until he tired.   It’s easy for people to say, “have him committed” or “Put him away,” but when they say those things, it makes me feel like he’s an unwanted pet that you’d have put down.  I can’t throw him away or turn my back.  I think that there has to be a solution or a doctor, or something.

This is the argument.  He’s not Tony’s biological son, so it’s easy for him to say, “get him out of this house.”  I can’t do that.  In my mind, it’s inhumane to throw a child out.  He may be almost 17, but mentally, he’s a child.

Somehow, I wonder if the truth will ever be uncovered.