Did You Miss Me?

Who knew I could live without internet for so long? It has been a long time since I had access to my emails and friends. *waves at Facebook friends*

I know that many of my Facebook friends have seen some of my adventures (as much as the 160 characters on my phone will allow), but I want to share in some coming posts about the totality of my experiences and this journey I have been on with teaching.

Life is an adventure to be lived, and it is not for the faint of heart. It must be experienced on a daily basis. You should never dismiss the grace of God and His infinite wisdom that brings you to each and every point in your life. It is with a purpose- where we end up- and we must seek our hearts and God’s guidance to determine for what purpose we are here. For me, I must decide, “is it one child?” or “ a group of children?” or “is it an entire community?”

My journey and discovery awaits…

Resolving a New Year 2012 Edition

You knew it was coming… making resolutions for a new year. Well, without exception – and without stopping my own tradition of posting mine—I have decided to jot down my resolutions and post them for all the world to see.

First, let me say a few things about the year 2011…

2011 was a struggle. I was challenged to push through with my goals despite every obstacle coming into my path. However, I did manage to finish out the year on a positive upswing; one that I hope will continue through 2012!

Before I give you the list of my New Year’s Resolutions for 2012, let’s take a look back at 2011 and see if any progress was made.

1. Get a divorce. (Yes, this was finalized in June and from what I hear, he is planning his upcoming nuptials.)
2. Graduate from College. (Yes! I did it! And of course, I even found a job right out of college.)
3. Run a 10K. (Did we really think that I was going to find the time to do this?)
4. Try out for Liberty Idol again and make it at least 2 rounds instead of one! (I auditioned again. I made it again. I was out in the first round… again.   )
5. Reach my goal weight. (Uh, yeah, I still need to work on this)

So, I guess that I accomplished most of the things on my list. I thought that it was an overall success.

Now, in 2012, I resolve to do the following:

1. Be a successful teacher
2. Get healthy
3. Be happy

Just like that. No long list of things that may seem complicated, but instead, I want to focus on what is the most important at this moment: being good at what I do, being healthy so that I can do my best, and being happy for a change.

Here is hoping that in 2012 everyone accomplishes their goals, follows their dreams, and reaches for the stars!

Lord, You want me to go where?

Sitting in my Effective Methods class the Spring of 2009, we watched a video about the Corridor of Shame. It was a documentary based on the schools located along the I-95 corridor. It was then that I heard the Lord speak to me saying, “I want you to go there.” My heart’s reaction was, “Lord, You want me to go where?” It was then that I started making my excuses for why I could not go to this area. The reason I mention this is because after my devotions today, I wrote in my journal about this same thing.

God told the children of Israel that he was going to take them to the land flowing with milk and honey. When they got there, they decided that the enemy was too much and they made excuses as to why they could not go where the Lord was sending them. Their punishment: They would wander the desert for 40 years and never see the land promised, but their children would go after they were dead.

Wow!

I think of their grumblings and complaints, then I think of mine.

Every time the issue came up, I made excuses until one by one God took my excuses away from me.

Excuse #1: God, I can’t go because we are buying this house and it would be hard to sell and relocate.

God’s solution: We lost the house.

Excuse #2: God, Tony has a good paying job and a chance at a promotion.

God’s solution: Tony asked me for a divorce.

(I’m not saying that divorce is something that God condones. I’m saying that suddenly, I don’t have that as an excuse anymore!)

Well, there are more excuses, but I’m not going to go into my love life in this post.

Anyhow…

It was FSD4 that contacted me for the job. I did not contact them. I didn’t even know I had the job. That was something that felt odd. But to tell the truth, I was planning on an apartment in Liberty, I wanted a job nearby, I wanted to continue seeing the great guy I was dating, and I wanted to start the life I envisioned.

Truth be told, my car breaking down on the way home from my job interview in November was a blessing in 2 ways. One, I wouldn’t have made it through the torrential rainfall with the tires I had on that car. I would have been dead on the side of the road. Two, if I had not had to fork out the money I had to repair my car, I would have paid the deposit on the aparment in Liberty and moved. Instead, I had to turn down the apartment because I didn’t have the money.

When the job was offered at FSD4, I had 2 weeks to move. I had 2 weeks to come up with a plan to move. Even in all of this, my efforts were null. It was done so that I- and others- could see God’s hand in this. It was to be His witness. Someone in my life needed to see this first hand. Someone needed to know God. I don’t know who that person is, but I pray that through this testimony of what God accomplished for me, that they were filled with hope, had their faith renewed, or found God.

All praise and glory go to Him! Not me. I did not do this. I did not have the means to do this. I had no money. I had no credit to obtain a loan. In fact, when I tried to obtain a loan, I showed them my paystub from Ingles and they laughed at me, before telling me that they could not give me a loan. Therefore, I had to trust that when God told me in 2009 to go, He was going to provide the way.

And He did.

Lessons learned in a year

What did I learn this year?

1. I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was.
2. I learned that forever does not always mean a lifetime, but rather it ends at the point when someone grows weary of the other.
3. I learned that trust is something that very few (take this as zero) deserve of you.
4. I learned that I have a remarkable younger son. It is he that has taught me what it means to extend God’s love, grace, and mercy.
5. I learned that I can endure anything for a short period of time, even if that short period of time turns out to be a year.
6. I learned that it is indeed a sweeter reward when you work harder for it.
7. I learned that you can find kindness in the form of strangers.
8. I learned that you can mend a broken fence, but that doesn’t mean that you have to leave an entrance.
9. I learned that the truth is not always a clear cut path, but that gossip is believed much easier because it is easier to reach.
10. I learned that despite what some may think, I will never be in this predicament again (whether it is money, living, or love).
11. I learned that my children are far more forgiving of me than I am of myself.
12. I learned that some lessons that are learned the hard way, are really the ones that teach us the most if we are willing to accept them.

Did You Think…

Did you think that you were the first to break my heart?

There were others before you… but the one thing I do know is that you will be the last. Because of you, I will never let my guard down. I will never trust anyone to get close enough to ever hurt me again.

You were simply the last.

The last stone of the wall built around my heart as a reminder that there really is no one who will not let you down.

Because God has a plan…

Yesterday I was discouraged. All day long I sat and I applied for open teaching positions. I thought that the very fact that I had passed my PLT exam was enough to sustain my joy, but it was not enough. I needed to find a teaching position. However, I didn’t want it to be just ANY teaching position. It had to be where God wanted me to go.

You see, I had a revelation 3 years ago. I realized that God had opened doors with a plan and a purpose. He would not provide the means unless he had a purpose. What I did not know was for what purpose my life had been planned out. I only had a hint at a promise that if God had set it into motion, He did not do so for it to come back void.

Add to this the timid hand that raised up saying, “I want to be used by God. Me. I want to make a difference.”

But I had started to lose hope.

Had I not prayed? Had I not asked God to show me where He wanted me to go?

But I could sense my hope fleeing and I did not like it.

So last night, I pulled my Bible out and I turned to Psalms and I started to read…

I stopped.

“God,” I prayed, “These are not the words that I want to hear right now. They just aren’t relevant to what I’m dealing with. God, what is it that You want me to know.”

And just like that, the minor prophet, Habakkuk, popped into my head.

“Really?”

I turned the pages of my Bible over to Habakkuk and I started to read: “How long, O Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen?”

Whoa! I thought to myself, God are you trying to tell me that my prayers are redundant? You know this is how I feel?

I read through all the way to Habakkuk 2:3. Then I stopped. I pulled out a post-it note and I wrote these words on it: Because God has a plan, I will find a teaching job and an apartment! Habakkuk 2:2-3.

Then I prayed that it would be God’s timing and not mine, because Habakkuk 2:2-3 says: “Then the Lord replied: ‘Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.’”

I am a firm believer that you should read things in context. I am also a firm believer that God speaks to us in ways that we are not always aware. However, the very fact that it was this book that popped in my head and this verse that caused me to stop and pray was beyond coincidence.

Then today rolls around and this afternoon, I became discouraged. The jobs that I wanted that were local were filled. I told someone on Facebook that I was going to start looking into jobs in other states starting tomorrow. I walked out of my little study room and I walked into the living room, sat down on the couch, and I was in the process of revealing my new plan to my dad. That’s when my phone rang.

I looked down and recognized the phone number. I looked at my dad and said, “I really need to take this call.”

“Hello?”

“Ms. Bishop, this is Ms. Davis…”

“Hello, Ms. Davis, how have you been? It is so good to hear from you.”

“Well, I was calling to let you know that I am sending your contract in the mail. If you are still interested? You will start January 3rd.”

My heart stopped beating. I couldn’t catch my breath. I was trying to signal to my dad what was going on.

I had a job. It was the job that I interviewed for back in November. You know, the one where when I came back from everything up here seemed to have slipped into a sort of Twilight Zone or alternative universe and I just did not belong to it anymore.

Did I mention that last part?

When I drove down to Timmonsville, SC to interview for the job, I drove around and just looked at the area. I prayed all the way down there that morning that God would grant me a sense of peace if that was the right decision for me to make. If moving was what I was supposed to do, then God was going to let me know. As I passed by a cotton field (and there are a lot of cotton fields down there) I suddenly had a moment where I knew this is where I belonged. I could see myself down there teaching and writing. I just knew.

Then the interview went so well that I thought, “This is my job!”

When I came back home, I felt like an outsider. It was as though I did not belong here anymore. I think that is what discouraged me the most about trying to find a job: nothing seemed to be suitable. It just wasn’t home, even though I was home.

I have a job. I have a teaching job!

God delivered a job.

God will bring me to a place to live as well. I’m not sure exactly where or how. I’m not even certain as to how I am going to afford it. This next part will truly test my faith in God. I will be going down there with NO place to live. I will be going down there on nothing more than that revelation that I wrote down on a yellow post-it and stuck it on the wall.

God will provide.

I am so thankful that He has a plan.

An Emotional Dam that is about to Burst

What follows is a combination of all the things that have been bothering me these past few weeks. They are in no particular order.

I am a suppressor. I suppress my feelings and I don’t let them out. I think part of the reason is that I feel if I do share my problems then I’m somehow burdening others with the weight of what I’m already carrying around. However, these past few weeks I have been so emotional that I have felt as though all of these burdens were being held back by a dam that was at its capacity. There is a reason why at times they have to let the water spill over the dam. It is because it cannot hold that much all of the time. Right now, I cannot hold back what I want to say. If you do not want to read my emotional outpouring, then by all means, move on. You don’t have to read or carry my burden. As for me, I just need to release it and let it go.

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Friends…

We start out dating and things are going superbly, until suddenly it is as though someone turned off everything on your end and what I’m left with is confusion. I’m not sure how I was supposed to respond to this “break up.” However, when you asked me in the grocery store that day what was bothering me and why I stopped talking, it was because of how you treated me. You asked me to walk with you through the grocery store and after everything that was between us for the last 3 weeks, you acted as though I was nothing more than your friend. I was devastated! I fought back tears the entire time I was with you in that store when all I wanted to do was bolt for the door and go out to my car and cry.

I did cry on the ride home. I felt like you had lied to me the entire time that we were seeing one another. I mean you were making plans and talking as though we were going to still be together months down the road. How was I supposed to take that?

Maybe I did become too attached, but I know that life is short. I gave you all that I had. I dove in over my head when I knew that I shouldn’t, because I believed in the scenario that you created of “us.” I didn’t want to, but I did. But don’t expect me to jump into the friendship role. Your other girlfriends may have been willing to do that for you, but I can’t.  It hurt too much. Someone asked me if you knew how lucky you were to have me. I guess you either didn’t know… or you didn’t care.

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Family…

My dysfunctional family. Yes, you have a way of driving me insane. I’ve always been in the middle of everything, trying to play peacemaker. Of course, I gave that up.

I gave up a lot of things lately. I gave up calling you family.

Do you know how hurt I was when you didn’t even show up for my graduation? Do you know how used I have felt because after I helped with the baby shower, you don’t even associate with me? Do you know how hurt I have been? Do you even care?

The only person that I can depend on anymore is Kyle. It is one of the reasons why I am writing off all family. I’m cutting ties and I am seriously considering moving away and starting my life over. I think we need a fresh start.

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Starting over…

Seems like an impossible task. Of course, graduating from college seemed impossible, but I did it.

I did it! I graduated after 20 years. I didn’t give up! I held on!

Now I am trying to find a teaching job. But God hasn’t pointed me in the direction that I’m supposed to go. I am waiting on the doors to open so that I knew exactly where it is that I’m supposed to go teach.

Lord, where is it that I’m supposed to go?

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The Twilight Zone…

When I went down to Timmonsville, it seemed as though I crossed over into some strange alternate universe. Nothing was the same. My entire world seemed to have been shaken upside down and all around.

I realized something recently, though. God can’t put my new life into order until He shakes apart the old one. He’s building me a new future and to do that, He has to make room for the good. It is never easy and it is never comfortable, but I am trying to learn to accept it. I have to accept what is happening, pray for peace through it, and grasp the fact that what is on the other side of this growing process is something amazing: a blessing.

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Traditions…

We used to have traditions. We used to celebrate holidays.

We used to be a family.

We did not have Thanksgiving dinner. I cried because of it. Not because of food, but because having the foods that my mother cooked would always make us feel as though she were here with us. I miss my Mom! I needed to feel that closeness to her through cooking… through tradition. But I didn’t  have that.

Christmas is coming and I do not have MY tree up. The ornaments that I have made each year with my children are not here with me. There is no room for a tree here. But a tree without gifts is bare and I can’t afford presents. I can’t even afford to buy stocking-stuffers… but the stockings are not here either.

Kyle has always sacrificed so much. I hate that he will not have anything for Christmas. His wish list?

A bed to sleep in and a place of our own.

I just can’t afford that until I find a better paying job.

I need for things to come together soon

The Inside Out

Lately I have felt confused… unloved… worthless…

I’m not really sure what happened. As for the unloved… I thought I had found something that was beyond wonderful. What you learn in retrospect is that it is an ugly truth. It was a lie that never was.

Worthless because the world makes me feel that way.

Confused and lost devoid of direction.

I have cried so much these past few weeks, and I have felt so emotional, but I realize that there is no purpose for the tears.

I graduated Thursday, December 8^th, 2011. It should be an amazing moment in my life, right? But why do I feel this way? Why does it seem as though everything is falling apart? Why does it feel as though I have no destiny?

Lord, when are you going to illuminate my path?

(to be continued…..)

This Week…

Have you ever had one of those weeks where it feels as though your heart has just been ripped right out of your chest?

That’s how my week has gone. I went from flying high with a positive job interview to crying so much I think I may never be happy again. I’m not sure where it all went wrong. I think that when I went down to Timmonsville, SC, I must have crossed over into a twilight zone where nothing here is the same as it was when I went down.

How can life fall apart that quickly?

No apologies given…

I will not apologize for wanting what is best for my children and myself.

I will not apologize for needing a new start filled with hope.

God opened doors, as well as shut them, to lead me down the path He has chosen, and I will follow. Where God leads me, there I will be. I will not apologize for that. I will only say, “I wish you had come along for the ride.”

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I told Kyle this afternoon that at first it may be rocky, but I have a plan. This is not a plan based on “MY” wants alone, but on a much bigger plan. We will just have to tough it out in the beginning, but it will not be long before we will be able to see a breaking light- a beacon of hope- to light our way.

16 days until graduation

Job interview tomorrow

New life starts now.